


What We Do In Rosswood Park

by OhNoNotAnotherFakeGeekGirl



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Actual death, Alex being a manipulative coldhearted dick, Animal Death, Blood, Body Horror, Character Death, Dismemberment, Eldritch Abominations, Gen, Gore, Mentions of Slavery, SO, Vampire!Alex, but this fic is actually supposed to be hilarious, everyone-is-a-supernatural-creature!AU, fanfiction is rarely this experimental in format, ghost!jay, if you like your comedy blacker than sin and horror flavoured, it's framed like a series of interviews, look guys I know it sounds rough, mentions of childhood trauma too probably, namely, there are some triggers too, uh, weird formatting, werewolf!tim - Freeform, you've come to the right place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 08:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10567950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNoNotAnotherFakeGeekGirl/pseuds/OhNoNotAnotherFakeGeekGirl
Summary: So. *chinhands*I was thinking about how the entire fandom basically collectively silently agreed that if Tim were a mythical creature, he'd be a werewolf. And then I thought to myself "Y'know what? On that note, I think Alex would make the most entertainingly bratty vampire." And then Ghost!Jay just sorta happened after that. It's like being human except I've never watched that show so I guess it's nothing like being human at all really. But I HAVE seen What We Do In The Shadows.This isn't really a crossover so much as it is "Marble Hornets in the style of What We Do In The Shadows." Enjoy!





	1. Episode 1

**During summer break 2006, a group of journalism students gained exclusive access behind-the-scenes at a local filmmaker’s latest effort – low budget coming-of-age film Marble Hornets – for their finals project.**

**All journalists involved with the making of this exposé wore crucifixes and were granted protection by the film’s director, Alex Kralie.**

**These same protections were not necessarily granted to certain subjects of the project.**

**Reader discretion is advised.**

* * *

 

_Alex Kralie is seated on a director’s chair that he tells us is dated from 1940, from the very set of Orson Welles’s magnum opus, Citizen Kane. Surrounding him are other iconic film posters and paraphernalia dating from the experimental days of silent cinema to the latest bleeding edge of filmmaking. He is an unassuming young man, tall, dark blond, bespectacled, who looks to be in his early 20’s. However, he’s older than he looks- by more than a century. The only hints to his inhuman condition – vampirism – are the unnaturally long, sharp, canines at the edges of his mouth when he smiles._

**I: So, what’s the story behind Marble Hornets?**

Alex: Marble Hornets… is an arthouse journey into the soul of one man, trying to find his place in the world. It’s an honestly underrepresented narrative that isn’t seen in film often enough.

**I: What would you say is your strongest inspiration for the plot of Marble Hornets?**

Alex: It’s part autobiographical- very, very loosely, in the abstract. The emotional mood of the film is taken from my personal experiences from just after I became a vampire. I felt very… disconnected in those first few decades, where I was just travelling with my maker, like I had no purpose, I got very depressed. Filmmaking became a creative outlet, and I just… became obsessed with it. Stuck with it ever since.

**I: So, what would you say was the biggest stylistic influence behind the project?**

Alex: You’d think that given my years of experience I’d pick something like Italian neo-realism or the French New Wave, but the influence here is surprisingly contemporary. I was the most inspired by the Dogma 95 movement.

**I: And what is Dogma 95?**

Alex: Only one of the most influential filmmaking movements in recent memory. It started in 1995, as a way to get film back to its barebones roots. No camera tricks, no props, no paid actors or crew, no sets, no non-diegetic sound, no superfluous genre plots or cheap story tricks like murders- just filmmaking at its most realistic. Dogma 95 is truth captured on a handheld camcorder.


	2. Episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 looked a little lonely on its own so I gave it a friend. 
> 
> This exciting episode: On set shenanigans!

**The next day, Mr. Kralie kindly invited us on set to observe the shoot, which took place on location at a gazebo in Rosswood park. Set dressing was non-existent, with just two crew (Seth, the cameraman and Jay, the assistant director) and two actors (who were introduced to us as Tim and Sarah) milling freely around. The only indication that this was, indeed, a film set, was the presence of a handheld camera lying on the table with the meagre provisions set out for cast and crew: a plate of sandwiches. (“Made by our assistant director’s grandmother,” Kralie tells us.)**

**The following is a transcript of the events that occurred on set.**

* * *

 

**_As Alex and the crew huddle behind the camcorder, he commands the actors to take their positions.  As the actors start to recite their lines, Alex cuts them off with a handwave._ **

Alex: What’s this blocking?

Jay: Huh?

Alex: What’s this _blocking?_ I thought we agreed that Tim would stand _here_ and Sarah would stand _here_.

Jay: Alex-

Alex: Don’t _“Alex”_ me, who messed with it? I planned this _in detail,_ it’s all in the script. I wrote it over two and a half years! Who changed the blocking?

Seth: It was Jay!

Jay: _Seth!_

Alex: Jay?

Jay: Look, Alex, the original blocking wasn’t working, the mic wasn’t picking up Tim’s voice when he had his back to us-

Alex: I can hear him just fine.

Jay: Yeah, but you’re also a vampire-

Alex: Not every film should dumb itself down to cater to _your_ feeble human ears, _Jay._ I want to make my human audience should _work_ to pick up our dialogue. I’m not gonna treat them like they’re idiots! I mean, we shouldn’t even be _having_ this discussion. What job did I give you on this set?

Jay: Uh-

Alex: Your _job._

Jay: Uh… script supervisor.

Alex: Well, Mr Script Supervisor, what do you do here?

Jay: *barely audible* Make sure the shoot-

Alex: Make sure the shoot goes according _to the script!_

Jay: I just think that sometimes the script doesn’t work out in real life-

Alex: Do you know how long I’ve been a filmmaker? _One hundred and fifteen years._ I don’t _get_ scripts wrong anymore. I blocked out every shot beforehand and know exactly what shot will work and what won’t. So, when I tell you to follow the script to the letter…?

Jay: _*mumbles*_ Follow the script to the letter.

Alex: You know what this means?

Jay: _*exasperated*_ Oh god-

Alex: It means we’re gonna have to rethink the deal.

Jay: C’mon, _Alex_ -

Alex: I’m just saying, if you’re gonna keep sabotaging my work, maybe you don’t deserve the privilege of being turned into a vampire.

Jay: Please don’t do this-

Alex: **Shut up.**

**_Alex's words reverberate in the air with an unnatural clarity. Jay closes his mouth, but his eyes strain and plead as though what he actually wants is to keep speaking. It becomes apparent that Alex has silenced Jay by supernatural means._ **

Alex: The deal we made was so simple. I was going to teach you everything I knew as a filmmaker, and in return for your complete and _unfailing_ obedience, I’d give you eternal life. If you’re not going to give me something as simple as _that_ , then that renders the deal we made completely void. **Am I coming in loud and clear?**

**_Jay’s jaw relaxes, Alex’s supernatural hold on him slackening._ **

Jay: Yes.

Alex: Okay. No more interruptions, we’re wasting time.

Sarah: I’ll say.

Tim: It’s not like we’re getting paid for this one way or the other.

Alex: I will personally drain the both of you! God, even in the _thirties_  actors weren’t this demanding.


	3. Episode 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck it. I'd already written a chapter 3 before chapters 1 through 2 went up so I may as well.
> 
> This is the chapter with the slavery mention with regards to Jay's (current) relationship to Alex. It's far from graphic but it contains vampire!Alex being morally dodgy (but then again he's a serial killer in canon so it's not like you can really get much more morally dodgy from there) so if you'd rather skip out on this one you're welcome to do so.

**I: So, what does Jay do for you outside of the production?**

Alex: Well, there’s this custom among vampires that when you leave your maker, in order to properly take care of feeding cleanup, guarding your lair during the day, or just… anything that a vampire can’t do for whatever reason, you take on a slave- I’m sorry, I can’t remember what the “PC” term is right now, it keeps changing. I think it was “familiar,” but that was back in the sixties.    
  
I know, I know- “but slavery was horrifying”, “how can you do this in the 21st century”, I completely get it. When I left my mentor in 1850 I was fully on board with the abolition idea. Pledged I’d never take slaves and everything. But, I realised after a few years of that, none of that changes the fact that the bodies just kept piling up and someone needs to take care of them, whether you like it or not. So, in the end, I see slavery as a necessary evil. Human society seems to agree too, otherwise we wouldn’t have the unpaid internship.

**I: When did your arrangement start?**

Alex: Three years ago. I needed help on a production I was doing down here and contracted some freshman students from the local college to do some heavy lifting in exchange for exposure. Jay had potential, so we made a deal. He shadows me for a few years while he learns the trade, I make him a vampire at the end of it all, and in return I get someone to take care of my necessities during that period.

**I: How are you grooming Jay into becoming a vampire?**

_Alex says nothing. Instead, he smiles._


End file.
